How do you know if you are truly in love with someone?

Maybe you're sitting on the couch, phone in hand, and the silence between texts feels heavy. How do you know if you are truly in love with someone? I get it — the question lands in your chest like a small, persistent rock. You're not alone in poking at it, testing whether this feeling is real or just a story your brain keeps telling.

Why This Matters

Sometimes love feels obvious — like sunlight through a kitchen window. Sometimes it hides in small details and leaves you guessing. Here's the thing: knowing whether you really love someone changes how you act, how you keep yourself safe, and how honest you can be with the person across from you.

I get it. You want clarity because this matters. You're not broken for wanting rules or signs. It makes sense you feel both hopeful and afraid.

What's Really Going On Here

Maybe your brain is trying to make sense of contradictory cues. Think of your feelings like a radio—you've been tuning between static and a station that plays just enough music to make you sway. Your mind mistakes the comfort of music for the song itself.

Sometimes your attachment history is a shadow in the room. Your brain treats a kind voice like security in a storm, even if the relationship is a leaky umbrella. Love, at its core, blends longing with safety. But your anxiety, past hurts, and fantasies mix in, muddying the signal.

Here's another metaphor: love is not a sudden thunderclap (though sometimes it is). Often it's like a slow plant that perks up when watered and ignored when left in the dark. You need to see if the plant thrives with the person, or if it droops and you keep telling yourself "I'll water it tomorrow." That difference matters.

Does This Sound Familiar?

The Stalled Coffee Date

You're at a cafe, stirring cold coffee. You want to talk about something small but real. Fear stops you. Wonder: is this love or just the fantasy of being chosen?

The Rainy Commute Message

You're in the subway, they text a small joke. Your chest lifts. You catch yourself smiling like a fool. Is this warmth or dependance?

The Office Daydream

You're photocopying and suddenly imagine them beside you, arguing over which playlist to play. You feel bright. And then: what if this is just loneliness dressing up as desire?

The Midnight Panic Search

You're awake at 2 a.m., googling "do I love them" and reading forums. Embarrassment. You promise yourself you'll stop, but you keep searching.

The Quiet Kitchen Question

You're making dinner. They chop onions and don't notice your silence. You feel small and wonder if what you feel is deep or just habit.

Here's What Actually Helps

You start noticing what stays (A short client story)

Can I tell you about Lena? She thought she was in love because dates felt exciting. After a few months she noticed something else: the kindness that didn't vanish when life got boring. What helped her was naming the small, steady things and seeing if they kept showing up. Try keeping a one-week note of moments that actually felt nourishing.

You learn to separate craving from care

Why do you chase texts? Ask: are you chasing the idea of comfort or the person themselves? If your main need is to calm yourself, it's not always love. You can test this by noticing whether you want them to change for you, or whether you accept them with small flaws.

You check how you argue (Question-led)

Do fights leave you feeling closer or more hurt? If you find that disagreements open up a clearer path to understanding, that's a sign something durable exists. If arguments only confirm your worst fears, that's important too. I suggest tracking one recurring disagreement and watching what happens after it ends.

You notice genuine curiosity replaces performance (Confession-style)

Can I be honest? I tell clients that real love looks less like a performance and more like curiosity. After 15 years of counseling, I've seen people fall out of infatuation when they realize they're acting to impress. What helped them was trying a tiny experiment: being honest about a small flaw and watching the other person's reaction.

You feel safer with them (Longer flowing paragraph)

Sometimes, safety is invisible. You learn to breathe easier when they're around. Not always joyful—sometimes just a relief. Notice whether your body relaxes in real moments, not only when you imagine future scenarios. That physical ease shows whether connection is building a reliable foundation.

You can picture an ordinary future (2 short paragraphs)

After months, you catch yourself planning grocery lists together without drama. That's not glamorous, but it's telling. If the idea of mundane life with them feels possible rather than terrifying, that's a signal.

If imagining them in your future makes your stomach flip with anxiety more than warmth, that's useful information too.

What Therapists Know (That Most People Don't)

Look, feelings are messy and they're not all the same thing. Love overlaps with safety, desire, admiration, and habit.

Here's the thing: attraction is fast, love takes time. Don't confuse speed for depth.

Maybe your past rewires how you read signals. After years of counseling, I watch patterns reappear across clients. You can learn the patterns and choose differently.

Can I be honest? Sometimes you feel "in love" because it's safer than dealing with loneliness. That doesn't make your feelings false, but it changes how you act on them.

After years of counseling couples, I've learned that consistency beats fireworks. Small, repeated acts that match words are where trust grows.

Look: longing is not proof. Devotion sometimes is. Watch actions as patiently as you watch feelings.

Here's the thing: there's no single sign that proves love. Love is more like a constellation—many points that together draw a picture.

When It's Time to Get Help

If you're nodding because you're stuck in repeating patterns, maybe it's time to talk to someone who can help you untangle what belongs to the past. If you're reading this section and nodding, that's your answer.

Maybe you've noticed that your mood depends on their responses, or that you hide parts of yourself to keep peace. Those are specific red flags that are worth exploring with a helper who listens.

If you're worrying that you can't trust your own sense of what's healthy, therapy can give you tools to test those feelings safely. You're not alone in needing support. Therapy is a place to practice being honest with yourself (and with them) with fewer consequences.

What if my partner won't talk about feelings?

Sometimes people resist vulnerability. Ask small, curious questions instead of waiting for a grand confession. If they refuse to engage repeatedly and that costs you connection, that's meaningful. It doesn't always mean the end—it means a conversation needs attention.

How long does it take to know if it's real?

There's no fixed timeline. Some answers appear in months, some in years. You can speed clarity by watching patterns across ordinary days rather than waiting for dramatic proof.

The Bottom Line

Here's the thing: how do you know if you are truly in love with someone? Look for steady threads, not just spikes. Notice whether your presence with them feels easier over time, whether you can be small and messy and not erased. Watch whether actions line up with words. Ask yourself honest questions: do you miss them as a person or the comfort they give? Are they someone you can rely on in normal, boring life?

Maybe start with one small step today: write down three recent moments that felt true to you—times you felt calm, seen, or respected. Keep it for a week and see what pattern shows up. That's a quiet experiment that gives data to your heart.

You're not broken for asking. You're not weak for wanting to know. You're trying to care well, and that matters. So what's the first step? Pick one moment today and name it—write it, say it, or share it. And if you want help sorting those notes, therapy is a place where that confusion becomes clarity (gentle, nonjudgmental clarity). You're not alone.